Loss and Grief

You know how when you’re sick, everything on TV is food? You don’t want to see food when you’re sick.
The same happens when you’ve lost someone dear to you. Someone you love more than anything. When you lose that person, all you see is their face. In everything. Everything you took for granted reminds you of them. Every song, every word, every person who still has their someone. They are always on your mind.

I’ve experienced loss before. This is the first time, though, that it hurts. It hurts more than anything I could describe. I wish that I could fix it. I wish I could bring back that feeling of utter euphoria, but I can’t. I am, even as I’m typing this, crying and screaming. I am in utter turmoil and I cannot properly express the emotions I’m having. I don’t want to really express the very clear fears I have of the future. It scares me to recognize what I have realized about both myself and the situation. It makes me very sad and very angry at the same time.

I can’t help thinking that it’s my fault. It very much isn’t, but I don’t have a time machine, to throttle the one who started this. Cryptic though that may be, it means something to me. I cannot share my time with someone I truly love, because of a rule made by a bigot,¬†thousands of years ago. That makes me very angry. Maybe that’s not fair. You’re right. It isn’t fair. It is the absolute opposite of fair.

I have renounced my faith in an omniscient creator. There is no way that a “benevolent god” would show me the greatest love of my entire life, just to snatch her away on a technicality. That is not benevolence. That is malevolence. It’s not the first time in my life I have hated this idea. My first girlfriend cheated on me. The second one was afraid of men. The third used my then best friend to make my life hell. My fourth beat the hell out of me, emotionally and physically. But then there was this girl. Utterly perfect. Now she’s gone too.
There is no god.

And if there is some omnipotent force up there watching down on this, I hope it can see the seething anger I have towards it. Am I to really believe that he loves us all? Really? Bullshit. If I’m to go to paradise and see her spend eternity with another, that isn’t heaven. That is worse than lakes of burning sulfur.

Actually, you, reader, imagine that.

You probably have your shit together better than I do. Imagine your significant other in all their glory. Now imagine them with someone you don’t know. And they’re happy. Without you. You now have a grasp of what I’m feeling.

I will not be okay for a very long time. I expect to be in this state of despair for a very long time. I expect that during my grief, I’ll be told to grow up. To get over it, because nothing I’m experiencing is new. To those people, I will politely and calmly say now; Fuck yourselves with a rake.

 

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