Chasing Storms

Exploding instantly, the horror rips through the town. Trees and homes torn asunder in a cacophony of wind and hail. Sirens drowned out as the telephone poles are wrenched from the ground, flashes of electricity arc across the shattered cables. Mothers and fathers hold their children close, hunkered in a storm cellar, waiting for this nightmare to end.
Wondering when their lives will be normal again.
Wondering if they will be greeted by angels or demons; if their lives were righteous.
Terrified by the notion that these may be their last moments, on this mortal plane.
The vortex doesn’t care about these things. It is a force of destruction, a herald of doom, shouting its fury across the land. No one man or woman can stand in its path, defiantly. All barriers are brought down. No matter how thick, the walls come down to see the unbridled anger within. The truest despair and honest terror on their faces as their worlds turn to topsoil black.
While their worlds are coming to a close, others look on with curiosity and excitement. Some want only to help, others like the spectacle of this version of hell. Battered by chunks of wood and ice they trudge ever onward.
Notations are made, film is taken. Learning all that we can from the maelstrom. Hoping that, in the future, such devastation can be avoided, or even countered. Some way to weather the weather.
The tornado ending, a ray of light splits the cell and casts light on the annihilation that lie before them. Family peer out from the wreckage, as the onlookers join them, helping however they can. Sirens from those who can help, wail in the distance.
Everything will be okay, in time. The storms will be back, but so will we.

Worries and Fears

I cannot let this beat me. Others are counting on me. I cannot falter. The pain in my head, the soreness of my shoulders, the ache in my neck, will all subside. I can bare this pain. I can take it on. I can take it all on, so long as I am not alone.
In the words of Ronan Harris;
I’m not alone, I’m not afraid, I’m not unhappy.
I can beat this depression, it will take time.
Though, I would gladly endure more, if it meant that someone else’s pain was gone.
I only want to help. In my neurosis, I am afraid that I am making things worse. Those that know me know that I mean well, but I am undoubtedly taxing. I know it will take time, and that the walls have been raised for a reason. I wish there was more that I could do.More to ease that pain. Not my own. That pain will ebb and return, like the tides. I am bound to that fate. Until there’s a cure. You don’t have that pain. Yours is temporary. It will fade. I am sorry if I become overbearing. My fear is that I shall drive you away. I’ve done that to too many. That’s not something I want. Ever. You are among my closest friends.
If I can make others happy, I can be happy. Those close to me should live lives pain free. No sorrow should make their bones ache. No overwhelming stress should stiffen their muscles. No strife should tax their mind. I’ll gladly add their burdens too my own. I am willing to take it on. Nobody should have to endure that on their own. I know, because I did. This pain and me, we’re old friends; Walking side by side.
Ever the poet, always dramatic. That’s me. Sigh.
This isn’t meant to be snarky. It’s not meant to instill guilt. I am merely venting in a way others can see, at their own leisure. There’s no rush
I’m very sorry too. You shouldn’t have had to deal with this pain. You’re so good for this world. You should not have to bear this alone. I am sorry if I make the passing harder. I only want to help, as I care more than you know. I always will. It’s my lot in life. I care so deeply about people, I don’t want them hurting.
I’ve rambled and pleaded enough. I should try to get some semblance of sleep.
Good night, sweet dreams, and no nightmares.

Started as a Poem…

I just want it to cease. The gnawing, the scratching, the endless etching of epithets on the surface of my mind. The pain caused by my insecurities, by my anxiety, by the constant worrying. I don’t want to drive others away, but I cannot let them in. They can’t know what I must endure alone. The fires are roaring, the forges are working, but the shadow closes tighter. Seamless, is the border between the light and dark. A constant struggle to beat back the dark, to live my life in joy, to bring that joy to others.
I’m alright.  I tell myself. I can do this. I am stronger than I give myself credit for.
I’m not sure I agree with that voice. The shadows are holding me down.
That is making my mood awful. I am angry, sad, and frustrated, all at the same time.
I don’t wish to lash out at anyone. I don’t want to snap at you or make things worse. You’ve your own worries, fears, and stress, that I don’t wish to bring you down into the shifting miasma. My job, is to bring people up out of it. I don’t want to be in the mire, myself, but for now, it is my role. I’ll suffer the pain and onslaught, if to save others from it.
The mental and emotional turmoil translates to physical pain. My head, my neck and my joints all ache. A permanent sinus headache and the worst muscular aching I can describe. I don’t even want to type, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. If only to release the pressure in my head. Oh well, I don’t wish to tack on extra worry. I’ll be alright.

Anecdotal Update

Remember when you were a little kid, seeing that girl that you liked and smiling at her, before doing something super painful? You slipped on the loose sand and skinned the side of your leg. Tears welled up in your eyes, but you didn’t cry, to look brave for her.
I will not cry. I won’t cry. I will bare this pain, so she doesn’t have to share in it.
That’s a similar state of mind I am in, 20+ years later.
I am incredibly stressed out. Honestly, it’s about time. I’m feeling more like an adult than I did 12 years ago, when I actually became an adult. Stress of finding a good job, any job. Stress of keeping the ones I love happy. Stress of keeping my disease in check (Which I have done quite well the last six months, I must say). I am on the verge of tears. They are welled up in my eyes, but because I am needed elsewhere, I cannot put my needs above another’s, as it is not my personality. Never was. Some of you will think this is in the same vein of mental distress as some of my vague poetry from the last few months. It isn’t. The subject matter may sound similar, but the subjects themselves, have changed.
I want you all to be happy. I want you all to live stress free lives.

I’m not sure if it’s better to let out the pain yet. I think I’ll just grin and bare it.

Sunshine

The sun glinted off of my glasses
As I took yet another walk
Just my own lonesome self
I’ve no one I can talk

And so I sing quite loudly
To the music in my ear
At least my voice is on key
For anybody near

The sounds of traffic bustling
And children shouting glee
While I sing by myself
To improve the heart of me

My tachycardia’s in control
My moods are level too
Although my disease is there
My sanity holds true

I miss the interactions
Of one I held quite close
But now that void is filled by friends
So why am I morose?

Because of wistful thinking
My insecurities
So I project my happiness
In hopes that it should cease

But, ah, the sun is shining
The love is in my heart
And you, dear reader, share in this
For you are a great part

I’m thankful to my family
And to all my loving friends
Folks who are truly the best
May our ties never end

Quantum Break Review

Okay, Quantum Break. The game I wanted to get the Xbox One for. There is no TL;DR for this. I wrote a lot.
The game is in my personal Top Five best stories in a video game. That’s a list with Bastion and Undertale.
Quantum Break is a third person shooter, with puzzle elements, not unlike Half Life.
“Oh, I need to get up there? How do I manipulate my environment to get there?’
You also get access to powers that allow you to manipulate time. They’re cool, super helpful and are a refreshing way to make combat fun. It’s not Call of Duty, where you simply out-shoot your opponents. Time is broken, in Quantum Break. Sometimes, your gun just… Doesn’t work.
You play as Jack Joyce, a well groomed guy, played by Shawn Ashmore. You know him as the kid who played Iceman in the X-Men movies. Your brother is a quantum physicist, by the name of Dr. William Joyce, played by Dominic Monaghan, who played Meriadoc Brandybuck, in the Lord of The Rings trilogy.
The other main character is Paul Serene, played by Aidan Gillen. Now, I know Aiden from The Dark Knight Rises. He was the black haired CIA op who interrogates Bane in the very beginning of the movie. Most of you will recognize him from Game of Thrones, where he plays Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish. I don’t watch GoT, so I don’t know who he is outside of the name. Other actors include Lance Reddick (Commander Zavala, The black guy in Fringe), Marshall Allman (Prison Break), Patrick Heusinger (Gossip Girl, Royal Pains), and Jacqueline Pinol (Burn Notice, Criminal Minds).
The game is interesting in that you have choice. Now, many games have choice, but the way this game presents that choice is, frankly, awesome.
Your choices shape the live-action TV episodes that are on the disc. That’s right. They acted out the many choices that you, in game, choose. And then you watch the consequences, as played by the villains in the game. Each mini-episode is about twenty-two minutes long.
I don’t watch many TV shows, nowadays, but if Quantum Break had a series, I’d watch it. I’d want one of you to watch it too, so that I’d have someone to fanboy with.
I was immediately hooked. So what, if I had class in the morning? I needed to keep playing so I could see what happened next.
The other really cool thing is that you can see what the community picked, after you choose. My first choice, I saw that Major Nelson, my only friend at the time who had the game, and 67% of the community had picked that choice. I had one later in the game, however, that only 7% picked. Partially because the game had just come out, and I have no self control to stop playing.
There are tons and tons of things to collect. There are Choron particles that are the upgrade currency, there are Time Ripples, that add “deleted scenes” to the Live Action sequences, there are laptops and posters and other bits of info that tie into the world around you, leaving you feel like you’re a part of this calamity.You get drawn into the characters, both good and bad.
There was a fight that reminded me of the 100 Trials room in the Legend of Zelda. In LoZ, there was a room where you had to fight two Armos Knights in a space the size of your bedroom. It was very hard.
Remedy Entertainment must have played that game. And they made it their own.
It was deeply satisfying to see the game to the end. I cannot wait to go back through it, to see the other choices, and what impact they’ll have on the story. I hugely enjoyed the game. I don’t know what else they could have added to make the game more enjoyable for me.
In closing, Quantum Break is one of those exclusives to the Xbox One (And Windows) that everyone should have in their libraries. It is awesome. Both visually and in its scope. It is the best game I have played on my Xbox One. Period. I hope that those of you who are thinking about getting it, do and that they enjoy the crap out of it.

Venting

I gotta write down what’s in my head. I’m feeling lost. I’m down. I’m losing who I am, in a fog of what I was and who I want to be. I re-enrolled in classes and I’m in the position to transfer to the University of Minnesota. It’s what society expects of me. To go to college to get a degree and a new career.
I love meteorology. I really do.
I hate school. I fucking hate it.I have nightmares about it every god damned night.
I should be clear, I have had nightmares every night for the last 9 years. It’s part of my world and life. I see Leah hitting me in the face, and when the fist falls away, it’s Abby. I have nightmares about high school and my current college. I have nightmares that cut be down to the bone, fears resurgent. Things I don’t want to think about.
Then, on top of that, I am anxious, on the verge of tears and manic breakdowns damn near every day. So I put on this front of happiness. Nobody knows how much pain I’m in. Nobody sees my struggling. I don’t tell people. I see a therapist and I tell her, but nobody else. I don’t want to be a burden.
The one person I want to talk to, I can’t. I shouldn’t burden her, because that’s not our relationship. I learned recently that she’s terrified to talk to me, so because of that, she ignores me. After three years of intimacy, the severing of the contact hurts, and has left a void in my soul. I can’t burden her with that. She needs to move on same as I do. It just sucks to take the high road.
I need to find something to take up my time. I try to fill my time with surrounding myself with friends. It works, until they’re gone. Then I’m alone with my own thoughts. These niggling little details. The stress, the pain, the anxiety. All my faults. All the things I thought I was good at.
It fucking sucks. It really really does.
And of course, because I’ve a flair for being dramatic, I can’t even talk to my friends about this stuff. Because it’ll be easier to leave me to wallow in my pain, then to support me.
That’s not fair. It’s in my head. My friends, the true friends, want only what’s best for me.
I beat myself up because it frustrates me to the core. I have a mental illness. I’m not smart enough to fix it.
I’ve done much better in the last few months. It’s tough. It really is. I miss my best friend. Everyone expects me to be over it. It’s been almost a year. Fuck that. I’m still in love. It sucks to say too, because I am not supposed to.
Nothing I’m feeling is new. Billions of people have felt this pain.
Billions have struck out against their beliefs in anger.
Shakespeare wrote a play that epitomizes my experience; Romeo & Juliet. The only difference is we didn’t kill ourselves.
I digress. I may write more later, but I needed to get this off my chest.
Fucking hell.